How could I have forgotten to post the most hilarious letter of complaint ever written?

I suppose because I didn’t write it myself, and have moved on from the drama that the ex-boyfriend I spoke about yesterday caused in my life – well, more fairly, that the combination of him and his mommy caused.

As I said, I spent almost $500 to send the ex on the first plane back to Winnipeg when he started insulting my friends in Vancouver and seeking out heroin.  I asked for reimbursement.  In usual fashion, instead of the ex taking care of this responsibility himself, mommy stepped up to the plate.  Thus, my first day back in Vancouver for good after returning to Winnipeg to attend my graduation, I awoke from my air mattress to find this lovely item in my inbox:

Hi Scars,

I hope you enjoyed your stay in Winnipeg.  I assume that you and your family had a chance to consider the memo that was delivered to your dad and stepmother’s house last weekend. [lie #1 - this letter was delivered the evening I took of for Vancouver...and what did it have to do with my family...?!?!] I would like a response to which option you have chosen by Friday, June 12 morning as I do not like to leave financial obligations unattended to.  I am sure you would like to have this matter settled as would Evan*.  Thank you.  (I have attached a copy of the memo.)

From: ___ ______

Re: invoice requested

Date: June 5, 2009

RENT May 1- May 12 = $79.20

(@ $200 per month divided by 30 days = $6.60 per day X 12 days)

FOOD April 5- May 12 = $261.80

(@$ $47.60 per week x 5.5 weeks)

UPGRADED CABLE Requested by SCARS Dec 1- May 1 = $55.44 ($18.48 tax included x 6 divided by Jen & Wes)

TOTAL – $396.44

* Please note:

Our agreement for food was $70 per month.  As requested I did review my Mastercard grocery bills and calculated per person.

[I paid $250 every three weeks for groceries...I did not eat at this residence most of the time...but I paid the $250, except for my last two weeks there, because I ate solely at school where I escaped to my office to finish my thesis and marking exams...]

Scars insisted on the cable upgrade and agreed to pay for it.  Evan* agreed to share this cost with her.

[Lie #2: I wanted ONE additional cable channel, that Evan's younger sister watched more often than me - however, I offered to pay for it several times, and mommy refused to let me...]

It is apparent that two sets of parents have provided contributions to young adults over and above the amounts they could reasonably be expected to make.  [??? I have been financially independent for at least four years...] In addition to the cash owed me as per our agreement, I would like acknowledgement of some of the financial contributions that I made to you. These were additional to providing physical care such as cooking and cleaning:

return airfare to Kelowna $400; plus travel expenses $200; daily car transportation to U of W; rides to John Howard Society, health appointments; travel to father’s house @ $25 per month X 10 months = $250;    honoring preferences for groceries not normally included in our family budget  - scented liquid laundry detergent, frozen raspberries,  Silhouette yogurt as opposed to store brand, for some examples;      meals in restaurants during sale of 1220 Fleet April 27-May 7 = $92; repair of elliptical used primarily by yourself and Wesley $80

In my world adults voluntarily offer financial compensation for  hospitality of this nature.

I do not intend to be victimized by the choices you and my son [i.e. "my son"...did somebody say denial???...] made in regards to your use of street drugs during the last six weeks of stay in my home.  You are a capable person who understands integrity and moral responsibility. The minimum acceptable amount I will consider accepting as payment is $396.46

Furthermore:

The morning of May 12, I observed by your body, eyes and behavior that you and Evan* were using drugs and were unfit for travel.  [ROFLMAO - I took some valium for the plane ride as to fall asleep and avoid listening to Evan complain for the duration of a three hour flight.  God knows what he was on.] I advised you that the Vancouver trip should be postponed.  You disagreed.  The result was your call to arrange an earlier return flight for Evan [right, because he was looking for heroin and I was planning where I would live, where I would work for the summer, and such...plus our hosts were going to kick Evan* out on to the street had I not taken immediate action...] -  which had a $50 surcharge.  You then chose a later flight at a cost of $400. [a later flight?  um, no...a flight that might as well have been an ambulance to carry him back to Winnipeg immediately...]

I did not approve of this expenditure.  I am aware that Evan*’s presence was required for you to obtain an apartment, due his credit rating. [ no, mommy, I got my apartment because of my projected income, not a bogus credit report...] I would like an honest explanation for why you chose this later flight which cost you$400.  I felt hurt and betrayed, before coming to terms with my role as an Enabler – aquiesing to demands; accepting your failure to make timely payments; accepting your description of your parents shortcomings at face value; setting myself up in the role of a caregiver.  Knowing the behavior you must battle, it would have been wiser to recognize these as signals of an addiction pattern. [?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! WHAT ?!?!?!?!?! who are you talking to - me or your son?  getting a little confused there, mommy?]

From my view, the outcome of the Vancouver trip was the result of the behavior that both Evan and Scars engaged in for weeks prior to  departure to Vancouver. [you mean me writing a thesis and graduating with a gold medal in sociology, whilst trying to counsel your son re: his love of cocaine and heroin, and its intrusion on my life?...] Both need to be held accountable.  Even when settled in Vancouver, Scars was calling me and asking me to send her Wes’s prescription drugs. [INCREDIBLE lie - I have plenty of prescription medication, mommy, your son can keep his, despite my donations of lorazepam to try to get him off coke/heroin...I don't know where she got this accusation from...truly bizarre...] I will not permit Evan* to reside in my home, after he used drugs while living here.  Evan* made choices and is a capable person who can make his own way in the world without my financial assistance to rescue him from the consequences of his mistakes [um, then can EVAN please give me my $500 back???...].

I have reviewed the options and propose either of the following:

A)  I will receive Evan’s payment of $400 to Scars and will hold it.  Upon receipt of the $396.44 Scars owes me, I will release the $400 to Scars. [ $470, actually, but that magical figure of $396.44 was quite impressive!!!]

B)  The amounts that each of our children [I'm an adult...what does any of this have to do with you, fellow adult??? ]owe is nearly equal.  To reduce the dispute, each parent will require our adult children [oh, that's better, I'm an "adult child" ] repay their respective parent [?!?!?!?!?!?!].  Scars pays her father and Evan* pays his mother. These are adult children need to acknowledge their behavior, the impact it had on their families, and make appropriate amends – including financial obligations.

I would prefer option B.  I will no longer play a victim role due to the drug abuse of capable young adults.  There can be no excuses for this behavior from either party.  We are all aware that both Evan* and Scars are intelligent people who are successful with their educational endeavors.  This is only one part of a successful life.  I know that we, their parents, cannot allow them to find excuses for a continuation of this unhealthy mental attitude.

And I’m the crazy one?

Lesson: Never move in with a man-child boyfriend if he still lives in his mommy’s basement.  Or otherwise, for that matter! ….damn.