Time to Pretend
…the “yeah it’s overwhelming, but what else could we do, get jobs at offices and wake up for the morning news?” bit, not the sleeping with models and snorting drugs bit. I could not survive a 9-5, preparing for it with coffee and news on in the background. Every time I watch news I dream of war. Now that I am alone, news is never on the television, I rely on the Internet, and sometimes, a print newspaper or magazine! They still exist, at the back of gas stations and lottery/cigarette/flower shops. But, for you, time to be honest about my present.
Update, 9:34 pm, same day: MadPraxis’s unwanted editing/criticism machine already got this post through its jowls…I was unaware of its incredible speed. See it here! …and please let me know if you concure that this post was “nonsensical”. I didn’t think so, a few others didn’t think so, but that’s not exactly “statistically generalizable”, so please, if I’m spewing nonsense, tell me! If not, maybe this machine can be stopped, somehow?? It’s starting to get annoying. I wouldn’t look at it if I weren’t required to for reasons beyond my control (police orders to watch for breaches….
I admit, I’ve been struggling since my temporary roommates have left. The house is still immaculate according to Einstein’s theory of relativity. The clean fridge has yet to be filled with proper groceries. I took a Trazodone out of desperation to sleep Monday night, and woke up at 11 am, too late for my liking, and that show where the crazy Ranger follows 2 people around some kind of terrible landscape was on – it was making me exceptionally anxious. I searched for the remote. Then I picked up my cell phone, the screen still waiting to be fixed.
Wednesday, September 1st.
I slept through August 31st. Trazodone: never again!
I lost a day, never to be retrieved.
The reality of living alone for the next few months hit hard. Living alone can be amazing. Right now, it is “time to pretend” until I rediscover this. No other option. I have to face the reality of daily life – i.e. dealing with endless strings of bureaucracy, getting groceries even though take-out food is the same price – I must cook for the ritual of it, I must vacuum again, I must play more piano, I must salvage the garden – next year it will be a multi-person project, a good thing, as the watering responsibilities can be shared! – however I want to appreciate what I created all by myself for these last weeks (2 months worth of them potentially, I am still caught off guard by the climate in Vancouver compared with that of the midwest at times – today I wore a long-sleeve shirt and jeans as I would have on past firsts of September in Winnipeg – after stepping outside I immediately had to change into an airy dress) of summer, I must work on art and writing more, I must be more rational in my bill-slashing. I need my landline back. I need to get rid of cable. I need to learn how to use this Roger’s red “closed connection anywhere” stick that I acquired for free (+ $30/mth charge) over a month ago, and determine whether or not I can cancel my other Internet wireless set-up or not. I must get used to the noises of living in a large apartment building while I am silent and others are living with friends, some of whom are never silent. I never noticed before. And I must “schedule”, no matter how much I detest the idea , it’s time to get the pencil and calendar back out.
School has always kept a schedule of sorts for me, and “kept me on track” – a phrase I’ve uttered many times when asked why I haven’t taken a break, not even a summer break, in 23 years. I’m on a break now. I need to decide exactly what I want to use it for. I need to decide whether I can handle an entire year off. I need to wash memories of Simon Fraser University right out of my hair along with its men, and prepare to attend a better school, but one where I’m a number, like I was at McGill and the University of Manitoba. I need to realize I’m no longer sitting in an office sandwiched between close professor friends, and that I may not experience this again. Life changes, and I need to adapt, on my own.
Unfortunately, it is not like riding a bike.
Every time is at least as hard as the last. This is what I wanted – no roommates for a while. I need to remember why I wanted it so much, wanted what I had and loved last summer, and I need fall back in love with it as it will not last for long, money considered.
I need to flush any Trazodone that remains, and remind myself of the words of a nurse who long ago that made me realize I was going to be fine – “Your body will sleep eventually! Don’t worry, honey. Pills aren’t going to help – your body needs to remember how to sleep.”
How to sleep in an empty bed. How to get up in time to arrive at a meeting prepared…
I have an important one tomorrow, so I will do that now, the day before just in case, and write more later. I don’t need cable in the background to write. I don’t need to associate my favourite music, my favourite albums, with negative times and people. I need to listen to it, rather than having the – comfort?? – of another screen to keep the one I am staring at company.
Turn it off, tune in, and don’t you dare drop out. SFU didn’t kill you, pain is weakness leaving the body, each day will get better until each day is fabulous – you got knocked around, but strength will come with time.
Pretending is my enemy, but sometimes it must be done. Sometimes CBT must be used. Actions are the easiest to change – then thoughts – feelings are the hardest. Time to act, until it’s no longer a performance, my thoughts and feelings falling in line with not only the wonder I see in nature and my kitties and my mentors, but the wonder I see in myself. I am on vacation, but that is not, so wake up…
(amazing art from DeviantART…for the next post (later tonight, Pacific Time, so perhaps tomorrow for you, I’ll show you some of my own art in progress!)