Positive Self Talk (don’t die)

I know you want to die.  I know, I promise, I know better than you do. Does he want you do die?  Maybe.  Does he want you gone?  Yes.  But he wants it his way, he’s not used to not getting his way, perhaps he always has.  He is trying to render you immobile.  He is trying to paralyze you.  So get up!  Please hold on for a few more days.  Less than a few – two and a half and some change.  Change.  Others care about you, others will care about you, others will take you in.  There will be so much change! – more of it than you can imagine, with that great big brain of yours.  No, more.  I know, and, no, it will never shut off.

Just do what he tells you to do, now.  Ignore the *zapzapzap* – no, he will never understand.  You’ve always known that, so deep, it’s terrifying.  It’s all you’ve ever wanted, but what a thing to want – can’t you see now?  Why would he understand?  He’s not so deep, he will never know your depths, and that is his loss, not yours.  No, sweet girl, not yours.  You have lost so much, but that you never had, and it is his choice to lose.

You can save yourself.  You are not a child, you’re a woman.  You’re stronger than he will ever be, than he will ever know, than he would ever care to know!  So, stop giving so much of yourself away, you are not being paid, you are paying.  And you cannot afford a dime, this you know well.

Clean yourself up.  Dry your tears and get moving! I know, I know, you want it to be over now.  But that isn’t your fate, honey.  That is not where this train is supposed to go.

{I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know!  I have a good few hours here to die.  A bottle of this and a vial of this with a sprinkling of that.  Poison and nothingness.  I want the nothingness so fucking bad.  Help me, someone!! No one, yet.  I don’t know, I really DO NOT KNOW, if I can make it through the day.  I cannot play normal today.  Won’t someone please fucking help.  No men in white coats, but a grotesque angel that can do this fucking “cleaning up”.  I really, really want to leave now, really really really need, to leave.  Permanently.}

That is what he has made you believe!! That is what is sick, darling, he is the one that is sick.  Just a few more days.  You can fix this all by yourself.  You have enough, just enough.

{But I dream of knives, blades, butcher blades.  I don’t feel pain anymore.  I only feel sick and helpless.}

That is what he wants!  Do not play along!  He wants to call an ambulance and claim the credit for saving your self! This is not his game, it is yours.  Your turn, but not your turn to leave this world, your turn to get up and go, go find yourself.  You must leave this behind.  Leave this behind, can’t you feel your wings?  Sprouting from your shoulder blades?  Now those are some useful blades.  He cannot stop you, he cannot chase you, you are safe. Leave those thoughts of death behind.  You will know, when it’s really time to go.  I won’t be talking to you then.  I won’t be making your hands move.  I won’t be making you listen.  So hear me!  Hear me loud and clear! Do not let the bastard get you Down.  You have so much to give, to give the world.  Yes, that same one you want to leave.  So fly now – time has not stopped (or started, but that’s a different story) – your story, scarsarestories! The stories of the street are yours, too.  They’re all of ours, us special ones, made of fire and ashes, sut and decay, survival, and stories.  Fly away and be good to yourself, do not escalate, he will only grow more tyrannical, his face will only become more monstrous, his voice will only grow louder.  That is not what you need now, not ever!  You need to hear me, and my voice cannot compete:

Get up now, live, vivre, 生きている, 生きている, 生きている.

I mean it, you have to trust me right now.  Trust me when there is no one else.  Trust.  There are so many people out there that will not hurt you, just as many as those who have, just as many as those that would – but you’re smarter now.  So much smarter. You know.

You know people and places and things.  Love?  You don’t know how to love yourself because no one has loved you for a very long time.  Thirteen years, almost exacltly now – half your age – your body knows when your mind forgets – I’m so sorry, I know – let it hurt for a moment and then use it.

Please, stretch out those wings and be powerful.  Harness it.  The power, the light, the pure will that burns brighter than Casseopia’s crown.  You cannot see it now, that’s alright, it’s still there! You will learn, the Earth loves you, she is not ready to take you back yet, She has plans for you, you will learn.  Rinse yourself off if that’s what he wants you to do so badly.  Wash him off, the water will be warm, so much warmer than him – so much less cold.  Do that first.  Then take care of the other “business”.  Yes, stop the zaps if it means taking an extra pill or two, but for god’s sake do not take 118.  That is not your number.  Get up now, fly, sweet bird.

You will make it, I know you will.  Trust me, please! Have I let you down before?  No, there is a reason you are here.  Five years ago today, you lay in a hospital bed, held together by staples and bandages.  You know so much more now!  So much!  Now take that knowledge and turn it into power.  Remember, power cannot be given, it must be taken.  It is long past your time to take.  Take now, honey, before it is taken away.  That’s it, just a few more steps.  A few more steps to freedom…